He Still Lives With His Ex

I can’t make this shit up. This Sunday I had a very strange day and date.

I was going on a fifth date with a guy and looking forward to it. I was also exhausted and felt a bit “hungover” from staying up until 2am the previous night and getting up at 7am to volunteer the next morning. So, my head was pounding a bit and my stomach was hurting as he and I exchanged texts about what we were going to do and where we would meet.

He lives about 40 minutes from me and has driven to see me many times, so I had offered to come to the area he lives in and meet up. He asked if I really wanted to do that to which I responded that I appreciated him coming to see me every time and I’d be up to come to him unless he had a strong reason he wanted to hang out in Durham… He then responded, “There’s something else I should tell you about me. (with an emoji clenching its teeth).” And I was thinking, “oh shit, now what?” only to receive another text, immediately following the first, that said “I still live with my ex.” I was like wtf, but also thought he was joking because he and I each have a strange sense of humor and joke about this kind of stuff. I had joked I had a pantry full of kittens and that was why I would not let him in it, so I thought he was making a joke that he had an ex-girlfriend living in his pantry… Boy, was I wrong! I said, “Are you serious?” to which he replied, “Yes.”

Something he knows about me is that I always assume the worst, but this caught me off guard. The way I envisioned this day going and the way it went could not have been more different if I tried. I had been joking around with my friends that I thought this guy may be my boyfriend because all of the sudden we went from texting 2-6 days apart and in the past week were texting and communicating every day multiple times a day, which he initiated… so I kept joking with them that I was feeling like, “Are you my boyfriend?” So, the way I saw the day going was we could hang out up by him and then maybe I could come to his place for the first time. I also envisioned that we may have a conversation about what we were doing, which I didn’t exactly want to have as I didn’t exactly want to know or label it because I was enjoying this carefree/casual dating thing we were doing. I was seeing other people, which I did not hid from him, but also did not flaunt in his face, and I didn’t know what he was doing and wasn’t sure I wanted to know. And now I know more than I bargained for… I was shocked when he told me he still lives with his ex because here I was thinking he was trying to be my boyfriend and contemplating if I wanted him to be my boyfriend and if I’d give up dating other guys for him and here he is living with his ex, who I later found out he’s only been broken up with since February and they’ve been together two years AND are still currently living together. This was a lot, to say the least. Our first date was very likely less than a month after they broke up, and here we were on our fifth date, and I still didn’t know a pretty important/relevant detail about him.

I’m still processing all of this information and have a lot of feelings about it. I did end up seeing him on Sunday, and we met up by me for coffee. I wasn’t sure this was a good idea or the right thing to do, but in the back of my head rationalized that if nothing else, it’d make for a great blog post.

So, here I am… blogging away. I won’t share all the intimate details of our meeting, but I appreciated his honesty and openness even though he had not been upfront with me about his situation. I tried to be compassionate to his situation and keep an open mind as I don’t have any experience with living with someone I was dating and the one breakup I have had was brutal, painful, very dramatic, and took me years to recover from. He described this break up very differently, and it sounded like his ex and him are fairly amicable towards one another still, which I cannot imagine. When I found out and heard about all of this, I think I was shocked and trying to process it all and not make any sudden judgments or movements before I heard him out.

Today, a day later, I feel very angry, disappointed, betrayed, and lied to. I feel stupid for believing him and trusting him. I feel ashamed because I’ve been in a similar position before where a guy fed me bullshit and I believed it or trusted him, and a lot of what he said about this situation sounds too good to be true so I feel manipulated for believing and trusting what he told me about him and his ex’s situation.

Right now, I’m doing my best to just sit with it as I have a lot of thoughts and feelings around it and ideas of how I’d like to respond, but for today, I will just sit in the discomfort, which was the initial goal I set out to meet on our first date on my birthday…

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