How symbolic- I just logged into my blog tonight to find out it is my one year anniversary since registering my WordPress.com blog, and what do you know I’m sort of flying solo again and dating myself?!? I’m kidding, of course, as no matter whom I date, I will always also be dating myself. I did just recently have my first “Bumble break up” though.
In my last post, I wrote about the guy who told me “his ex still had not moved out” and how hurt I was feeling by him not telling me this pretty major detail about himself sooner.
I thought long and hard about it and really felt betrayed. I felt he had not been upfront with me about his living situation, and I felt like we were progressing towards potentially being in a relationship. I may have misinterpreted this as I have recently been reminded how differently men and women can view the exact same situation while dating, or even not while dating. While I may think his texting and checking in on me more frequently means he wants to be my boyfriend; To him, it may mean nothing of that sort and could just be that he likes me and wants to talk to me- I’m not sure. I recently met a guy who told me he lived with a girl for a year and a half and didn’t realize they were dating- obviously, this is on the more extreme side of the spectrum and needs some more explanation, but it just goes to show that sometimes how we feel about a certain situation or in a relationship with someone is not congruent with how the other person in the relationship feels or views the situation.
Anyways, I ended up ending it with this guy who I had been on five dates with over the course of a little over a month. I felt heartbroken and embarrassed that I felt “heartbroken” after such a short-lived relationship, and we weren’t even exclusive. But I was really hurt because I really liked him and felt he had not been honest with me about what we were doing. I felt he should have told me earlier that he was just getting out of a long-term relationship and that he and his ex were still living together, but she was planning to move out this month. It brought up a lot for me and reminded me why I don’t date/why I haven’t dated anyone other than myself for a very long time- It’s painful and sometimes can really suck.
What I learned from all of this is I do have the capacity to like someone again. I learned more about what I do and do not like in others, and I learned how important it is for me to be upfront with others and for others to be upfront with me. I also learned that “break ups” bring up a lot of emotions and negative self-talk in me, like:
“I’m not worth it.”
“No guy will ever fight for me.”
“Guys always give up on me.”
“No guy will ever value me or our relationship.”
Now, I realize me and this 5 date guy were just casually dating and to expect him to “fight for me” is not realistic, but I feel like when I told him how I felt, he just gave up, which was disappointing to me. I told him I was hurt and didn’t want to date anymore, but that maybe we could revisit it in a month and see how we both feel. I asked him how he felt about this and initially, I think he was open to this idea. Later, I think he realized that I didn’t really trust him anymore, and he said he didn’t think we could have any type of healthy relationship/interaction if I didn’t trust him. I agreed with him, but was very sad because I really liked him and wanted to give each of us time and space to think. If we did reconnect in a month and were still both interested in each other, he could work to rebuild my trust because I liked him enough to give him a second chance.
So, I have mourned the loss of this relationship for about a week so far. I went on a date the day after him and I “ended,” went out Friday night with friends, and then curled up under the covers all day Saturday and Sunday and felt sad and sorry for myself. In retrospect, the two day pity party was not the healthiest choice, but a part of me does think my body needed rest and was a bit burnt out and tired.
Today, a week later, I’m feeling a lot better and a lot more hopeful about dating and life in general. I went on another date tonight and was reminded that my goal right now is just putting myself out there, meeting new people, practicing dating, interacting with these things called “men,” and having fun, all of which I did on my date tonight.