Drafts

One of my friends today mentioned what she likes about my blog is it’s raw, real, and authentic, which has always been a goal of mine, i.e. to just say it like it is and not try and sugar coat it or couch what I am saying in flowery language or poetry, but I do hold back. I hold back a lot, which I have now discussed on my blog and in some of the videos I have made as part of my 365 day challenge of creating content. It’s hard to put it all out there especially when you know once it’s out there, it’s no longer yours or in your control and in my opinion, there is no way to get it back. The stuff I hold back is in my drafts… right, now I have 17 drafts- some were written in 2015, but many were written in the last 3 days. I am thoughtful about what I share or at least, I like to think I am. For the most part, I don’t post something impulsively or compulsively… I like to think it over… even if one of  my posts has a provocative headline like “I Got Engaged” or “I’m Racist” or “I’m a Virgin-” there was thought and time put in before I pressed publish. Also, with those posts, I was willing to lose whatever might be lost by sharing those things- people’s respect, etc., but the stuff I hold in my drafts, I am not ready to lose control of, which is how I feel a bit about the publish feature.

There are certain stories, feelings, or perspectives I feel could cause harm or consequences to myself or others… now, I feel like I’m being an tease and like I have some really juicy or raunchy stories I’m holding back, I don’t… I just have feelings and perspectives about situations in my life that I don’t feel comfortable releasing just yet.

My hope is that one day, I will be in a place where I feel comfortable opening myself up this way. What to me would signify that I am ready to share these intimate details of my mind with the internet is that I feel that I could accept whatever happens once I hit publish. Because I am really adept at catastrophizing, I believe I could picture most of the “worse case scenarios” and could ask myself “Would I be ready for that?” “Would I be okay if that happened?” I often like to think, “What is the worse that could happen and could I live with that if it happened?” If the answer is yes, then I am free to do the thing that may cause the worse to happen.

 

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