“You’re a Horrible Person,” He Said…

It sucks when someone breaks up with you or you break up with someone, often immediately afterwards all you can remember about that relationship is all the good times and good memories. The happy moments, the silly moments like dancing around your kitchen together, or the intimate moments that felt good.

All the negative aspects of the relationship and the person seem to vanish from my memories, or at least, that has been the case for me with my most recent breakup.

Sometimes, I’m okay, and then, other times, I’m still okay, but I am stuck obsessing about this man who broke up with me and all of the good qualities and traits of our relationship, and then I get mad at myself because he broke up with me, and like all things, the relationship wasn’t perfect… it was far from it, but I still miss it and him and the good times we shared together, and when I get into these spaces, I wish we could have more fun times together, and I convince myself we had the perfect relationship, which we did not.

What I like and miss about the relationship was how we spoke openly about our feelings and how he asked me how I was feeling, and if he knew I was angry about something, he asked me why, and listened and seemed to genuinely care and be interested in how I was feeling. He made me feel less scared about being dramatic, feeling my feelings, expressing myself, and letting him in emotionally because no matter what I said, he seemed to be okay and didn’t go running.

Though he did break up with me, I feel it was more about his fear than it was about me, but maybe it was about me… maybe he was realizing he didn’t like me or we weren’t compatible, but that is not the feeling I got. The feeling I got was that he was afraid, as was I, of getting close to someone, letting them in, and trusting that person. I felt ready to try this, but I think he got to a point where he felt he could not handle a relationship with me, and that hurt me deeply because I really liked him…

But…

He also called me names even after my repeatedly telling him, I really did not like name calling of any kind- good or bad, cute, or flirty, or pet names. I am very sensitive about that and even feel a bit self-conscious about it, but with him, I got to practice saying how I really felt and what I really wanted or needed. I told him I did not like pet names or being teased meanly, and he continued to do it. The first time he jokingly called me “slut” or “bitch” or “whore” as I write this I feel very embarrassed and ashamed. One, that I let him do this and two, that I stayed with him after this, and three, what others reading this will think. He might not have called me those names, he may have asked about calling me those names, and my response was “how would you like if I said, “I love your small penis.” I was really proud of myself because I think that was a fair comparison… I did not want to be called a negative sexual thing that was not true.. it was not hot, sexy, or dirty talk to me… it was mean and offensive.

Then the night before he broke up with me, he jokingly called me a “horrible person,” because I did not want to talk on the phone with him while I drove the nine minutes to get to him. I said I wanted to focus on driving and then later when we were together and I was driving, I was on my phone and he called me a “hypocrite,” and when I said “That’s not nice,” he said, he was just joking around, but I didn’t feel that way at all. When I discussed it with him later at dinner, he explained that when he gets close with someone he likes to tease them and it’s not mean, but it felt mean to me. He described that if his younger sister was eating a lot he may say, “Don’t eat too much or you’ll get fat.” He explained he would say that in jest, and assured me that she would not get upset and that she would tell him if he upset her.

Writing this I feel like “what a jackass he was!” But I don’t really feel that way… I feel that way as I type the words and hear what I am saying, but I know him, and I also know he was very concerned about my well-being. When I went to a doctor for a checkup, he texted multiple times to see how it was going. I know relationships and dating and life are not all black and white, but I also know I have deal breakers, and one of my deal breakers is feeling disrespected or having the person I am dating treat me meanly or put me down as I dated a boy like that when I was younger, and it was very unhealthy and very painful for me.

I’m not sure why I am sharing all of this. I think it is because it is day 11 of 365, and I have to create content, and this is what is on my mind right now. I also feel this is hard for me to share, because I am doing exactly what he did not want me to do and may even have asked me not to do, which is write about him on my blog.

I don’t think I am doing this to upset him though if I was him and I read this I would be very upset. A part of me wants attention from  him, but I don’t want it this way…

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