One Day at a Time…

So, I didn’t want to tell anyone about this… but then I decided I wanted to write about it. So, here it goes day 12 of 365…

Last night, the guy that broke up with me and I reconnected on Tinder and ended up talking for a couple of hours, two of which were on FaceTime. It was really nice. I think and hope we both enjoyed it. It was good to see each other’s faces and hear each other’s voices and hear how the last two weeks without each other have been.

I also feel proud of myself and good about myself as I don’t think either one of us did anything we did not want to do or were not comfortable with. In the past two weeks, we both have done some healing, and it was nice and even refreshing to just check in with each other. I could tell he was a bit nervous about what this all meant, and for once, I felt good in the moment and was not thinking, “What does this mean?How will I feel tomorrow?” “What will others think of me?” Because in the moment, it felt good, and I felt comfortable and secure in myself. We both were vulnerable and shared some serious stuff and also quite a few laughs. It felt innocent enough to me… What I have learned and am nowhere near mastering is to take life one day at a time, so that is my goal with this man.

I don’t know what us talking for hours last night means. I think it means we both like and care for each other and had something special and wanted to talk to each other. To me, it doesn’t mean we need to talk every day or define this relationship. It just means we both had a desire to talk to each other, and we did.

When we broke up, he said he wanted to be friends, and I said I was not interested in being friends with him as I was sexually attracted to him. Like some of my past posts have said, feelings change. I don’t want to be naive or stupid, and that is how I feel people reading this will think of me, but some of my feelings have changed. I don’t think him and I could have a strictly platonic relationship, but maybe our relationship doesn’t have to be completely over, and we never talk again. That is how I have ended most of my romantic and platonic relationships in the past- burn me once, and you are out of my life forever, but today, I feel differently. I feel I am learning and growing a lot by talking with him, and I am allowing myself to feel my feelings and express them. He read my blog post about him calling me a horrible person last night while we were on FaceTime so I could see his facial expressions the whole time. He smiled and grinned big from ear to ear. I thought he would be upset, but he was not, and expressed that the bad stuff was nothing new to him, and he knew how I felt and upon further consideration, even agreed with me on some of my perspectives like the one about him teasing his sister about food and weight not being nice or okay. What he did not realize was all of the good things I saw in him and our relationship. Like, I said, one day a time and feelings change, so he could wake up today, read it, and be really angry with me for sharing intimate details of our relationship publicly, and here, I am doing it again, but I felt like we both agreed last night that writing has been very cathartic for each of us.

My hope is that we both continue to take it a day at a time. I realize if him and I rekindle any kind of relationship, we could hurt each other all over again as one day, one of us may decide we can’t handle this relationship or for that matter, any type of relationship with each other, but for today, I want to live in today, and trust the feelings I have in my body today. This is new for me…

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