EGO

I’m having a hard time writing tonight’s blog post. It’s day 13 of 365, and I have to produce some form of content, and I think writing is what I want to do, but I wrote a blog post already but I don’t like the formatting of it or the message or the wording… haha so basically, I don’t like the entire thing, which stems from me not liking what I am thinking about, which is EGO.

I also have a head ache, which I have had since last night, which serves as a constant reminder that I am not taking care of myself adequately- I’m not eating, drinking, or sleeping enough for my body to feel well rested and nourished, and one of the reasons for this is ego.

e·go
  1. a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
    “a boost to my ego”
    synonyms: self-esteemself-importanceself-worthself-respectself-imageself-confidence

    “the defeat was a bruise to his ego”
    • PSYCHOANALYSIS
      the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
    • PHILOSOPHY
      (in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.

That’s a lot to unpack… In some ways, egos suck. I don’t think of myself as someone with a “big ego,” but this evening, it hit me, I let my ego drive a lot of what I do or don’t do. Ego to me is what other people think of me or really… what I think other people think of me as I don’t actually know what other people think of me.

An ego is a person’s sense of “self-esteem” or “self-importance.” My “self-esteem” and “self-importance” very often comes from what others think of me. (read: what I think others think of me)… Here are some examples:

If I call or text or FaceTime the guy that broke up with me, others will think I am desperate or stupid or behaving irrationally, illogically, and putting myself in a position to be hurt and disappointed. Writing this I realize, this is what I will think of myself too. I’m more afraid of others thinking “I’m weak” and gave in and ignored my inhibitions. I think others will think “Didn’t she get the message? Clearly, he’s not interested in her.” But life and dating and relationships are more complicated than that, and what others think is not based on everything I know.

Another example is that I sometimes do things for others at the expense of taking care of myself. Example, I was on a date last night and at a certain point in the night, I felt really exhausted and knew I needed to go home. My head hurt, and I was tired. Instead of being firm, I stayed out later with the date to please him and ended up paying for it big time today.

More on this… HERE

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