I was going to do water color tonight as I did my first water color last night, and it was very soothing. I enjoyed it a lot and would like to start doing it more and incorporating it into my 365 day challenge of creating content every day for a year.
Then I realized I have a lot I want to say tonight. I’m feeling a lot of gratitude this evening, which is something I don’t always have an easy time connecting or tapping into. I went to my office holiday party tonight, and my plus one was a dear friend of mine. It was a lot of fun, and helped put some things in perspective for me about things I have to be grateful for in my life, like my job, my coworkers, where I live, my friends, and my life in Durham.
Overall, I feel a sense of peace tonight. I went out after the holiday party and went to Atomic Fern for the first time, and really enjoyed myself. Atomic Fern is a bar with lots of games, everything from card games, to chess, to eccentric board games. It has a really unique and comfortable atmosphere, and I left because I needed to create my content for today. Also, in order to take care of myself, I needed to come home so I could get a good night’s rest and be prepared for tomorrow.
The topic I was thinking about while driving home was “being in my body.” This is something I am continually working on as it has been brought to my attention that often I have NO idea what is going on in my body. I can name my emotions, but if asked to describe what said emotion feels like in my body, I am often dumbfounded.
I often cannot tell you where I feel it in my body or what the sensation of that feeling feels like in my body. Today, I had a breakthrough with being in my body, and I cried with real tears, which is something I don’t do very often. I let myself cry and feel the tears roll down my cheeks, drip down my chin, and off into the air before hitting my lap. It wasn’t a long cry or a lot of tears, but it was something. I felt sad, and I let myself feel the sadness. I didn’t run from it or try to numb it by distracting myself with something else- be it work, social media, checking my e-mail, or any number of the things I do to take myself out of the present moment.
I have come to realize (and I am sure this is not the first time I have realized this but every time I come to this realization, it feels like the first time) that I will do almost anything to avoid feeling certain feelings, particularly negative ones, but sometimes the positive ones too.
I’m not sure what I think will happen if I let myself feel these feelings- maybe it’s that I think I will lose control. Sometimes, I think if I let myself cry, I’ll never stop crying because of all the years I’ve held in all of my pain, sadness, disappointment, etc. that I’ve experienced. I think I fear that if I start crying or feeling I’ll never be able to stop; the feelings will be out of control and overtake me.
But today was a breakthrough. I let myself feel and acknowledged the feelings. I did some writing and cried through the writing. The writing helped me identify and acknowledge the sadness, pain, and disappointment I was feeling in the moment, and moments later, I was able to wipe my tears and move forward with my day. I hope that this experience today will help me to feel future emotions and allow myself to be in my body and feel all the sensations that come along with whatever emotion I am feeling.
The other side to this being in my body has to do with sexual stuff, and I usually steer clear of talking about sexual stuff as I am not a sex writer, and like to have my readers think of me as a nonsexual being… well, other than my tense vagina and hormones 😉 No, but in all seriousness, I don’t tend to write a lot about sexual stuff, and I don’t really plan to now, but it’s hard to write a dating blog and not mention sex as sex is a part of dating… Clearly, this is not something I am comfortable discussing on the blog lol… What I mean to say is recently I have read, seen, and been in conversations largely revolving around the topic of sex and being in one’s body. Today, I read a really interesting piece in The New Yorker called “Cat Person.”
When I read it earlier today, I did not realize it was Fiction, and I was transported into this story and could picture everything in the story- the physical setting, the car, the house, the rooms in the house, the furniture, and emotions being experienced.
The young woman in the story was experiencing a lot of feelings in her body, and it seemed in many cases, she ignored the physical sensations in her body and instead listened to what her brain told her. I believe some of the ways she acted were out of fear and also self-preservation. At one point in the story, she was with a man, and had went home with him and was getting intimate with him, and then decided she did not want to sleep with him any longer, but she did anyway because she felt it was not fair of her to lead him on like that and then change her mind. I find this very sad and relatable as I have talked to a number of different women who have been in sexual situations, where they did something they did not want to or did not express how they really felt. It really upsets me the way it seems children are raised and people are conditioned to think about and interact with sex. I’ve talk to women who have a hard time telling a guy no or asking a guy to put on a condom, and this is not just one woman- this is plural women and women who if you picked out on the street would see as strong, powerful, independent, and confident women. It really angers me that this is still a trend
Other content I’ve come across in the last few days that explore this topic of women, sex, consent, and overall boundaries are the Netflix Original series Easy, Hot Women Wanted: Turned On, and Ladybird, the new movie out in theaters now.