Sunday / Day 40 Of 365 / NYE

Today’s challenge- create content with the sole use of my phone. I do this often, but right now, I am on a train on my way to NYC for my friend’s NYE party, and I decided not to bring my laptop.

As is often the case with me, I am feeling a lot of feelings.

1. It’s funny to me that it is a Sunday night, and I am sitting in the train watching one girl get all dolled up with loads of makeup and many passerbys in suits and ties and short sparkly dresses ready to go out and party on a Sunday night, which happens to be NYE.

2. I keep having this feeling about nothing mattering, which sounds depressing, but I don’t mean it that way. I mean it more in the way that one decision can make a change, but life is long and making change is not always as big of a deal as I make it out to be. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do everything “right” or “perfect” or to make no mistakes and never need help and be fully self-supporting and independent. Over the last few days, I’m thinking about this more and what is important to me, and I feel somewhat conflicted and confused. Some things I may be very clear on but…

3. Today, I’m feeling down and seeing all of these year in review and reflection posts on social media is not helping … 2017 was not my worst or hardest year, but it also wasn’t best best and brightest.

Today’s creation = more space

1. This is a picture of all of the stuff I went through in my parents’ house that I am donating so far

2. This is a picture of all of the stuff I am consigning

3. This is a picture of all of the stuff I am keeping so far

It hasn’t been easy. It’s been enjoyable to look through some of it and remember the memories that went along with the clothes, notebooks, yearbooks, but some of it has been a challenge to part with. Certain pieces of clothing (ski clothes, Halloween costumes, dress clothes, layering pieces), old journals, books- things I could see me using again.

I put my yearbooks in my keep pile even though I was pretty certain I would toss them all. I got lots of interesting answers from people when I did an informal poll on Facebook and Instagram, asking people if they’d keep them or toss them and why. One interesting response was “how do you feel when you look through each of them?” to which my immediate mental response was, “I have no desire to look through any of them.”

I ultimately kept them because I felt once I get rid of them, I can’t get them back and some of them made me feel good to look through.

I think I will ultimately get rid of them as they also make me angry.

A lot of the signatures and notes were from guys saying I was hot or they wanted to bang my mom or some other sexually driven message. Secret admirer notes, suck my ball notes- unpleasant memories. One guy apologized for being a pervert and in the same sentence said I had a nice ass. There were also some really sweet comments about friendship, memories, laughs, and fun times shared.

I am dedicating 2018 to creating more space. I will define this more as I go. But right now it means making space for the real me, whoever and wherever she may be.

Making space for mistakes and risks and change and experiencing new space and also creating more physical space by eliminating more of my physical possessions.

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