I feel a bit silly with this headline tonight of “Life is Hard.” When I originally started this blog in 2015, part of the brand of the blog was provocative headlines like
etc. and now my headlines seem to be more like truths most of us already know or just obvious statements/observations-
Tonight, as I was folding laundry I have left unfolded for weeks, I was reflecting on my not producing content in 6 days. I am not giving up, but … I don’t really know what I am doing, honestly. I just get upset and frustrated and then I give myself permission not to create.
As I was standing here folding laundry reflecting, I was just thinking about how hard life is. I read two pieces last night about NBA players (Demar, Kevin Love) opening up about their struggles with mental health, and while I think that is amazing, it always frustrates me that people don’t share the really nitty gritty details of their mental health issues – depression, anxiety, etc. They just say they have it, but it is hard to imagine how an NBA player who seemingly has it all could feel so low.
I am having my own struggles with mental health and don’t want to share the nitty gritty details either so in some ways I understand it, i.e. once it is out there, it is out there, and cannot truly be taken back. Plus, I am not a famous NBA player and my story will most likely not be covered on every major news outlet and be torn apart by internet trolls on Twitter, etc.
What I will say is that on the outside, I imagine my life looks pretty great, and I can’t explain my sudden dive into deep depression, negativity, and anxiety. Mental health issues run in my family and are something I have “combatted” my whole life. Nothing really “new” has occurred to spring me into this “episode,” other than my own realization that I have been very unhappy and unsatisfied with my life for a long time (over a year), and that thought alone is super depressing to me. One of the many things that sucks about depression is when you are in it, it feels like it has always been this way and will always feel this way, i.e. the deep sadness, emotional pain, lack of motivation, exhaustion, hopelessness, etc. Intellectually, I know this is not the truth, but it hard to reconcile these thoughts when you are deep in the midst of it all.
I wanted to share some things I have learned or things I was reflecting on tonight while folding laundry, which is that one small action can catapult a series of other small actions. So, I ran 4 miles tonight with a friend tonight. If it was not for this friend, I would have walked/not made it the 4 miles as my body did not want to keep going. Then, I came home and put all of my shoes in my closet, which have been out since last Monday when there was flooding in my closet. I made dinner- cooked salmon, put together a salad, cleaned out my fridge a bit, hung up some clothes, and started folding laundry. While folding laundry, the mantra came to me “I matter,” which is to say doing things for myself is important and taking care of myself is empowering. I often prioritize everything and everyone else over myself. Having my apartment be clean and presentable makes me feel 100x better.
I was also reminded to take it one day at a time, one small action at a time. So, tonight I did not feel like chopping all of these small potatoes I have in my fridge and baking them, but I can make that my goal for tomorrow night.
I’ve also noticed some “natural remedies,” or mood changers or boosters, for depression- 1. is music. There are certain songs and music that can help get me out of my funk even if for only a minute. I am really enjoying Angus and Julia Stone’s new album Snow as well as the artist Aurora (Runaway, Running with the Wolves, In Boxes).
and 2. is sunlight – driving when it is sunny out or being outside when it is sunny out has the power to cut through some of the bullshit that swirls around in my head about “how hard life is.” It has the power to cut through some of my very negative energy and thoughts- again even if only for a second, I feel a slight change in my mood and maybe even my body. Noticing changes in my body is extremely difficult for me.
[Day 91 of 365]