What Others Think of Me

“Even though you tell me you love me
I’m afraid that you just love my disguise
Taste my fears and light your candle to my raging fire
The dirty desire
But don’t judge me
I know I got issues
But they drown when I kiss you
Don’t, don’t judge me
Baptize me with ocean
Recognize my devotion” – Janelle Monae, “Don’t Judge Me”
Tonight, I’m struggling with what others think of me and mind reading. The truth is I don’t know what others think of me. I make up a lot of stories and convince myself that I do.
I’m frustrated because sometimes it feels like taking care of myself and pleasing others are two mutually exclusive things, like I can’t do them at the same time. If I take care of myself, I am disappointing or letting others down. I’ve had two experiences recently where this felt to be the case, and I chose to take care of myself. I hope I continue to make the choice to take care of myself because life is short and it’s not worth it to try and please people that will never be satisfied.
I see more and more how harshly I judge myself and others and think others are judging me. Like I don’t want to publish this because I don’t think it says anything particularly profound. I think it is too short and vague and not really saying anything, and I think I know what others will think of it, i.e. they will think the same thing I think about it. But, like I said before I don’t know what others will think of it.

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